Parenting and Family Education

Archive for January, 2010

Becoming a single parent isn’t an end. It’s a beginning. Your new lifestyle is full of responsibility and challenges. It may be more important now than ever that you find time for yourself. You need to relax and have fun. It may have been a while, but you can date now.

You may not be ready to enter into a new relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go out and have a good time with friends. Dating old friends is a great way to re-enter the single world and renew old friendships. They already know you, and they’re easy to talk to. You need someone now to talk to and to ask for advice. Old friends may also be a source for help around the house or at work.

But if you’re interested in meeting new people and getting into a more serious relationship, you may want to do some real-life dating. But dating as a new single parent can present unique challenges. Demands on your time may already be great.

Taking care of the kids, earning a living, and maintaining your household are time-consuming chores. That makes it even more important to make time for your own fun and relaxation. But time management skills will definitely be needed to keep your life from being chaotic and stressful.

You may be emotionally raw at this time. Whether you’ve lost your partner through separation, divorce, or death, you’re going through some really big life changes. You need to be careful not to jump into the first relationship that comes along. You need to have fun, but you also need some time to heal and become independent again.

Here are some things to consider:

Am I ready to date yet?

Re-entering the single scene can be frightening. You may not feel self-confident about your looks, or you may feel that you’ve lost some important social skills. But fear of dating shouldn’t be a deciding factor. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to take that big step to have a normal life again.

There are some things to think about, though. You’re coming through a difficult time, and you may be emotionally vulnerable and confused. You may not have the judgment to see your dates’ flaws. You must take care to protect yourself and your children from predators and people that will use you.

Are you prepared to tell your children you’re dating? Your kids are also going through a big change, and they may be insecure or jealous if a new adult is introduced to the family. Have you prepared them for this? Do they understand your feelings and support you? If your children aren’t ready for you to date, you may not be. But there’s a limit. The important thing is to be honest and open with them about what you need and want. After all, they aren’t dating the person. You are. Just keep the lines of communication open and clear.

Getting into relationships too soon is a common mistake for newly-single parents. You’re accustomed to being part of a couple and feel awkward and self-conscious going out alone. You may not be finished with the old relationship. Losing a partner, no matter how, involves going through a grieving process to heal emotionally and re-establish a normal life. Studies show that it takes at least a year for people to process their loss and move on. Be sure you’ve given yourself enough time to heal.

You may also need to tie up loose ends from the previous relationship. There may be financial and legal matters still open that must be closed. If your partner passed away, you’ll need to settle the estate, dispose of property, and finalize insurance issues. Better to focus on the business at hand while you’re grieving than to introduce a new complication into an already-complicated life.

You also need to take time to help your children grieve the loss. They may be feeling abandoned, and they’ll need your love, support, and encouragement to move forward. And they need to build a new relationship with you, one where you’re the only parent. Dating too soon can cheat them of this important time with you and create behavioral problems that are not easy to solve. Take it slow for their sake and for yours.

How do single parents find people to date?

It’s probably been a long time since you were in the dating scene, and you may have lost touch with your single friends and activities. One way to meet new people is through your friends. Perhaps your best friend knows someone they think would be perfect for you. Take a chance. Go on a blind date.

You also have a constraint that many singles don’t: time. It’s important for you to plan your social activities well in advance so you can get a baby-sitter or make other arrangements for your children. So, whatever you do to meet new people can’t be a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Many areas have singles groups where you can meet other unattached people. As long as you don’t have to make commitments, this is a great way to meet people. Group social activities are fun and safe. You get a chance to get to know people before being alone with them.

You may even be able to find social groups specifically for single parents. This way, you’ll meet people whose lives are more like yours. They have the same challenges and problems. You may find it easier to relate to another single parent, and certainly they will be more understanding when something comes up at the last minute.

What about relationships?

You are the only person who knows if you’re ready to start a serious relationship. Of course, you are not alone, and your children will influence your readiness and willingness to get into a relationship.

You need to be very clear in your own mind about where you are and what you want. Perhaps you only want companionship and social contact. If you’re not ready to get serious, let your dates know. Don’t allow yourself to become more involved than you can handle emotionally. Your first few dates shouldn’t be serious, and you don’t need to involve your children with your casual dates.

But if you’re lonely and feel you need someone to love, you may be more interested in getting serious. First, you must ask yourself why. Getting into a serious relationship because you’re lonely isn’t a great idea. You want to get involved with a person, not just fill a hole in your life. Be sure of your motives before you allow things to get to serious.

What to do when on a date?

You’ll want to know that your dates will be both fun and safe. Your family depends on you, and taking chances to date isn’t wise. Always be sure someone knows where you’re going and who you’re going with. Let them know when you’ll be home, and take your cell phone with you in case of an emergency. Let your date know about your family and that you might get a call. No surprises is a good policy.

When you go out, you’ll want to do something that helps you get to know each other. Look for places where you can talk and activities that encourage conversation and interaction. Movies aren’t a good idea for those first few dates because they don’t provide a good get-to-know-you environment. Better to go bowling or play miniature golf than to go to a movie.

For first dates especially, it’s important that you go to public places. Your personal safety is very important, and you don’t want to take chances with people you don’t know. You might even want to arrange to meet your date somewhere so that you aren’t dependent on them for your ride home.

Successful children are the products of coordinated efforts of parents who knew about the correlation of good parenting style with successful evolution of children from infanthood to responsible adulthood. The following are some of the time honoured principles for raising children:

Children need love much the same way they need oxygen to survive. Your love for your child is expressed in providing appropriate food, clothing, shelter, emotional warmth and protection from every sort of harm. In the absence of love, children wilt, are unable to show love as they grow and turn out to be affectionless children with a poor sense of self-worth. The goal of Christian parenting is to bring up children in the fear and knowledge of God. Parents are in the best position to introduce their children to God because children can only relate to God, the way they relate to their parents. When children are taught and made to be obedient to God, they find it easy to understand and relate to God. God has no grand children; every child must come personally to the knowledge of God as a father, parents should facilitate this encounter. Every child is limited in life by the principles upon which he/she was raised in life. Children need instructions appropriate for their developmental stage. They should be introduced to the rules of behaviour early in life and taught what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. Rules create boundaries for children and put in them the notion that actions have consequences. Every action of parents has repercussions; they are either building up the child or pulling the child down. Parents must walk the way they want their children to follow. Values are more readily caught by children than taught. When you explain to your children why you are taking a particular action, it makes more sense and it is less abstract than just teaching a child without any illustration. Every child is a complex being that unravels with time; take time to know your child. Every child has an internal world comprising emotion, intelligence and spirit. Knowledge of the special needs of each child enables you to raise the child in a way that will bring out the best in each child. Each child has negative and positive tendencies, encourage the positive tendencies while discouraging the negative tendencies. You cannot beat out of your child, what is wrong in your life. Some parents see their faults or character defects in their children and attempt to prevent history from repeating itself by disciplining their child excessively. Excess discipline or wrong disciplinary measures that break the spirit of the child is counter productive and tantamount to physical abuse. The discipline a child gets when he/she errs should be timely, appropriate for the age, and corrective in nature. Discipline should as much as possible be a learning experience for the child. What you put in a child by way of parenting is what the child gives to society. Your child will ultimately reveal to the world what you put in him/her by way of training in the secrecy of your home. Children reflect the training they got from home the way light is reflected by a mirror. Take time to build in your children timeless values that will make your children shine in life.

8. Children live up to their parents’ expectation. Children form their opinion of themselves from what their parents say to them. If you believe in them, they work hard to live up to what you believe about them. A 3-year study of 20,000 California and Wisconsin High School Students published in Beyond the Classroom by Dr Laurence Steinberg found a strong correlation between parents’ expectation and general level of student achievement with a few exceptions. African-American and Latino parents are satisfied with any grades above D and their wards get mostly Cs. White parents are satisfied with grades above C and their children get mostly Bs. Asian parents accept A and their children bring mostly As.”

9. Children reward dutiful parents when they are old. At the time children realize the value of what their parents put in them by way of training, they would have already started raising their family and with the benefit of hindsight, would want to show appreciation to their parents by caring for them in their old age.

10. To invest time, money and energy in training your child is to train many generations. This is because children will teach their own children what they were taught. A child gives only what he/she has to his/her children.

Imaginative play is an important part of childhood. Not only is it fun for children but it is also an essential part of learning and developing. Children learn about themselves, about their world, and lay the groundwork for their future through imaginative play. Yet too many children are not encouraged to use their imagination through play. There are three essential ways you can encourage imaginative play in your child — by providing the place, the time, and the supplies.

Does your child have a place for imaginative play? Is there somewhere, even the corner of a room, where they can build a block city or shape play dough monsters? Can they assemble all their stuffed animals into a school or all their cars into a parade? While children should be encouraged to pick up after themselves sometimes it takes a while to build the city of their dreams and they want time to play with it again. Try to strike a balance between your need for order and their need for imaginative play. Give them a day or so to create a complex setting for their imaginative play before forcing them to put away their toys.

Does your child have the time for imaginative play? It is amazing how many young children have a very full schedule. While many of these activities are likely required, such as school or day care, and many are also desirable, such as sports or clubs, it is also important that children be given the opportunity for free, unstructured play that allows the opportunity for imaginative play. It is not desirable that every moment of every day be structured and planned. Children who are not given the opportunity to exercise their imagination run the risk of losing the ability to use it at all.

Does your child have the supplies for imaginative play? As we know from our own childhood that imaginative play does not require extensive and elaborate supplies, but children do need access to objects they can use. A complex wardrobe is not necessary but a few items can be helpful. A bath towel might be a king’s robe or a super hero’s cape or swaddling for a baby. A cardboard tube from wrapping paper might be a sword, the container for a secret map, or a spyglass. A cardboard box might be everything from a treasure chest to a race car. Provide a few basic supplies and try not to be too suggestive in their use. Children will do better if allowed to give their imagination free rein without your interference and control.

Imaginative play can be a wonderful opportunity for your child to not only enjoy their childhood but also to learn and grow as people by trying on different roles such as parents, cooks, police officers, and firefighters but also to experience safe adventures as pirates, explorers and paleontologists. Imaginative play should be encouraged in children by allowing them the place, the time, and the supplies for imaginative play.