Parenting and Family Education

Posts Tagged ‘Identify’

Becoming a single parent isn’t an end. It’s a beginning. Your new lifestyle is full of responsibility and challenges. It may be more important now than ever that you find time for yourself. You need to relax and have fun. It may have been a while, but you can date now.

You may not be ready to enter into a new relationship, but that doesn’t mean you can’t go out and have a good time with friends. Dating old friends is a great way to re-enter the single world and renew old friendships. They already know you, and they’re easy to talk to. You need someone now to talk to and to ask for advice. Old friends may also be a source for help around the house or at work.

But if you’re interested in meeting new people and getting into a more serious relationship, you may want to do some real-life dating. But dating as a new single parent can present unique challenges. Demands on your time may already be great.

Taking care of the kids, earning a living, and maintaining your household are time-consuming chores. That makes it even more important to make time for your own fun and relaxation. But time management skills will definitely be needed to keep your life from being chaotic and stressful.

You may be emotionally raw at this time. Whether you’ve lost your partner through separation, divorce, or death, you’re going through some really big life changes. You need to be careful not to jump into the first relationship that comes along. You need to have fun, but you also need some time to heal and become independent again.

Here are some things to consider:

Am I ready to date yet?

Re-entering the single scene can be frightening. You may not feel self-confident about your looks, or you may feel that you’ve lost some important social skills. But fear of dating shouldn’t be a deciding factor. Sooner or later, you’re going to have to take that big step to have a normal life again.

There are some things to think about, though. You’re coming through a difficult time, and you may be emotionally vulnerable and confused. You may not have the judgment to see your dates’ flaws. You must take care to protect yourself and your children from predators and people that will use you.

Are you prepared to tell your children you’re dating? Your kids are also going through a big change, and they may be insecure or jealous if a new adult is introduced to the family. Have you prepared them for this? Do they understand your feelings and support you? If your children aren’t ready for you to date, you may not be. But there’s a limit. The important thing is to be honest and open with them about what you need and want. After all, they aren’t dating the person. You are. Just keep the lines of communication open and clear.

Getting into relationships too soon is a common mistake for newly-single parents. You’re accustomed to being part of a couple and feel awkward and self-conscious going out alone. You may not be finished with the old relationship. Losing a partner, no matter how, involves going through a grieving process to heal emotionally and re-establish a normal life. Studies show that it takes at least a year for people to process their loss and move on. Be sure you’ve given yourself enough time to heal.

You may also need to tie up loose ends from the previous relationship. There may be financial and legal matters still open that must be closed. If your partner passed away, you’ll need to settle the estate, dispose of property, and finalize insurance issues. Better to focus on the business at hand while you’re grieving than to introduce a new complication into an already-complicated life.

You also need to take time to help your children grieve the loss. They may be feeling abandoned, and they’ll need your love, support, and encouragement to move forward. And they need to build a new relationship with you, one where you’re the only parent. Dating too soon can cheat them of this important time with you and create behavioral problems that are not easy to solve. Take it slow for their sake and for yours.

How do single parents find people to date?

It’s probably been a long time since you were in the dating scene, and you may have lost touch with your single friends and activities. One way to meet new people is through your friends. Perhaps your best friend knows someone they think would be perfect for you. Take a chance. Go on a blind date.

You also have a constraint that many singles don’t: time. It’s important for you to plan your social activities well in advance so you can get a baby-sitter or make other arrangements for your children. So, whatever you do to meet new people can’t be a spur-of-the-moment decision.

Many areas have singles groups where you can meet other unattached people. As long as you don’t have to make commitments, this is a great way to meet people. Group social activities are fun and safe. You get a chance to get to know people before being alone with them.

You may even be able to find social groups specifically for single parents. This way, you’ll meet people whose lives are more like yours. They have the same challenges and problems. You may find it easier to relate to another single parent, and certainly they will be more understanding when something comes up at the last minute.

What about relationships?

You are the only person who knows if you’re ready to start a serious relationship. Of course, you are not alone, and your children will influence your readiness and willingness to get into a relationship.

You need to be very clear in your own mind about where you are and what you want. Perhaps you only want companionship and social contact. If you’re not ready to get serious, let your dates know. Don’t allow yourself to become more involved than you can handle emotionally. Your first few dates shouldn’t be serious, and you don’t need to involve your children with your casual dates.

But if you’re lonely and feel you need someone to love, you may be more interested in getting serious. First, you must ask yourself why. Getting into a serious relationship because you’re lonely isn’t a great idea. You want to get involved with a person, not just fill a hole in your life. Be sure of your motives before you allow things to get to serious.

What to do when on a date?

You’ll want to know that your dates will be both fun and safe. Your family depends on you, and taking chances to date isn’t wise. Always be sure someone knows where you’re going and who you’re going with. Let them know when you’ll be home, and take your cell phone with you in case of an emergency. Let your date know about your family and that you might get a call. No surprises is a good policy.

When you go out, you’ll want to do something that helps you get to know each other. Look for places where you can talk and activities that encourage conversation and interaction. Movies aren’t a good idea for those first few dates because they don’t provide a good get-to-know-you environment. Better to go bowling or play miniature golf than to go to a movie.

For first dates especially, it’s important that you go to public places. Your personal safety is very important, and you don’t want to take chances with people you don’t know. You might even want to arrange to meet your date somewhere so that you aren’t dependent on them for your ride home.

Of  all the positive attitude tips offered on the many self help resources available the best is to change the way you think. And if it was really that simple then this article would end here.

However, knowing what to do is different from figuring out how to do it. You cannot change the way you are thinking if you are not aware of how you are thinking, so any list of positive attitude tips must include suggestions for self analysis and emotional reflection.

Starting at the beginning it becomes self evident that positive attitude tips can only be offered if we first understand what the word attitude really means. In everyday common language the word attitude has many meanings, but it is mostly used to refer to a cognitive construct or in simpler terms a “pattern of thinking”.

Since we cannot see the way a person is thinking, attitude is usually inferred from behaviour. When a person’s cognitive construct or way of thinking is positive their behaviour will reflect what will be interpreted as a positive attitude.

A positive attitude allows a person to create the life they want because they are not afraid to see things as they really are and work to create their own reality. A positive attitude really reflects a lack of fear in moving forward and creating change.

There are many benefits of a positive attitude including:

better health improved relationships with others both at home and at work more opportunities for success improved productivity

How Do You Devleop a Positive Attitude?

It is a partially true statement that we get our attitude from our parents!  It is partially true because what happens to us in life is only part of the equation for developing a positive attitude How we interpret what happens to us is equally if not more important in creating our attitudes.

What is a cognitive distortion?

If you interpret what happens to you in a negative way you develop what are called cognitive distortions.  Cognitive distortions are nothing more that errors in interpretation and those errors can be changed if identified, examined, and re-interpreted in a positive way.

Positive attitutde tips must include the reccommendation to become aware of your own cognitive distortions and change them!  Cgnitive distortions keep you in a pattern of thinking which forms a barrier to creating the life you really want.

The cognitive distortions which would be behind a negative attitude would go something like this:

“I screwed up again.” “I am not smart enough to try that.” “It is not really what I want but it is good enough for me.” “If I ask for help people will think I am stupid and know that I cannot even run my own life”

The cognitive construct behind a positive attitude would go something like this:

“Even though this bad thing happened, I am still a good person.” “I am going to take this opportunity to learn as much about why this happened as I can because I do not want it to happen to me again.” “I think that perhaps I need some help with this because I do not seem to be able to help myself in a way that is helping to resolve this problem.”

The difference between these two ways of thinking is immedaately obvious. Think of it this way:

Developing a positive attitude means interpreting life’s events in a way that is truthful, honest, and self affirming and keeping a positive attitude means continuing with these positive and self affirming interpretations of life’s events, even negative events.

It is possible to change your attitude!  But it does require identification and critical analysis of your own beliefs about yourself and the life you think you deserve.

The best possible of all the positive attitude tips?  Change the way you think!