Parenting and Family Education

Posts Tagged ‘Skill’

Parenting has been going on since the beginning of humanity, but many parents still feel they must reinvent the wheel over and over again and count on some mysterious instincts they are supposed to have.  Parenting is at first a physical challenge, then slowly; it morphs into a mental challenge.  However it is highly desirable that parents do use child-centred, non-directive play, as a part of their parenting activities.  This requires special Parenting Skill. For many people, parenting their kids is one of the most fulfilling feelings in their life. Parenting skill is all about knowing your parenting personality. This is important as it helps you discover how your personality motivates the way you behave as a parent and how your child’s personality interacts with your own.  As times have changed â?? parenting has become more refined and several parenting skills and techniques are available to make the process simpler and less stressful. Below is one of the most effective and contemporary parenting skill; that can give you complete parenting satisfaction.

Neuro Linguistic Programming  or NLP was begun by Dr John Grinder and Richard Bandler in the mid 1970’s and Neuro-Linguistic Parenting (NL Parenting) is a parenting skill that takes the essence of NLP and applies it to parenting circumstances. First let us understand what is NPL? NLP is the study of how people know what they think they know and how they do what they do (as opposed to ‘why’ they do what they do).  NLP processes can be used to explore beliefs. NLP explores the relationships between the way we think (Neuro), the way we communicate (Linguistic) and our patterns of behaviour (Programming). Our minds, bodies, emotions, beliefs, knowledge and memories are all present and active simultaneously. NEURO is our “Nervous System” through which experience is received and processed via the five senses. LINGUISTIC is our language and nonverbal communication systems through which neural representations are coded, ordered, and given meaning.  PROGRAMMING is the pattern of manifestation of our neural codes and communication.

NL Parenting is the parenting skill with a main goal of dissemination of the necessary processes and information to assist parents in achieving personal congruence. It is all about generating options from which we can choose, so it is the finest system we have for learning how to relate to children in creative and congruent ways.  NLP in Parenting helps foster better communication between parent and child.Â

NL Parenting works quicker with children and adolescents simply because their nervous system is still in the process of integrating those inner messages so they can be helped to delete and replace them quicker. From an NL Parenting perspective the roles of a parent are; to manipulate contexts so that children can learn or play in relative safety and to model or demonstrate exceptional behaviour and congruence. NL Parenting is the parenting skill which provides parents with a framework that helps their children to get along with others and in the process make parenting an enjoyable experience.

We are often taken aback with the way our kids change their behaviour when moving from one stage of their life to another or even within their individual life stages. Our 11 year old child who was dependent on us for all decisions suddenly becomes independent by the time they cross 13. Our infant who was howling a few minutes ago is smiling and giggling away now. Children are experts at changing states. The first step to developing NL Parenting Skill is to understand the state of our child. It is like putting yourself in the shoes of your child and understanding how they think, their needs, what is driving their behaviour (good or bad) and what are their frustrations.

This parenting skill can be achieved by anchoring â?? which means associating their current state with their beliefs and surrounding. So if your 3 year old knows that by creating a tantrum they will get what they want, you need to understand that creating a tantrum to have their way is the belief that your child has developed. If you put yourself in their shoes, you will be able to point to various instances where they have got a better of you just because you gave into their tantrum. These instances were the key to development and reinforcement of their beliefs. It is very important to remember that even though you feel that creating a tantrum in this instance is bad behaviour â?? your child definitely sees it as giving them benefits. Hence there is an incongruence of your beliefs versus your childâ??s.

Knowing their belief and understanding the physical stimulus for the same is the second step to acquiring NL Parenting skill. However, anchoring is not the end of the process. By anchoring you will now be able to identify the beliefs and the physical stimulus that you want to change. So the goal of the first two steps is not to leave the state unchanged, but to find a way to change it that preserves some elements of its benefits. So if your child has created a tantrum to have a chocolate, you can try and negotiate with them to complete their dinner first and then allow them to have a chocolate â?? such that you get some benefits out of the situation.

The final step of NL Parenting skill is the process of achieving permanent transformation in your child. Here coaching skills play a very vital role. Coaching comes in when a situation arises that displays a gap between, what the environment is asking and what skills the child may lack. Coaching skills give parents the tools to build on their relationship with their child and to create opportunities for courageous conversations. Acquiring the right coaching skills is important as it helps parents to identify their governing values and standards, which establishes the basis of their parenting decisions. It helps to transform your awareness about your childâ??s behaviour, it energizes your childâ??s successes, that promote desired behaviour and it identifies & creates qualities that would not have otherwise existed. So in the above example, through coaching parents can create a complete different external stimulus for the child â?? like say need for healthy teeth â?? and steer them away from demanding chocolates and creating tantrum for them all the time.

Finally NL Parenting skill doesn’t prescribe any single parenting ideology, but identifies models of parenting excellence and skills and tactics that progress us to more gentle and respectful parenting. It helps you to recognise your parenting strengths, weaknesses and beliefs and allows you to become a true guide and mentor to your child.Â

We are all born with some parenting skill; qualities such as patience, ability to love, and humour, but other skills need to be learned. Parents do not know how to react to situations until they are faced with them and are on a constant learning curve.

The first thing to remember is to never be afraid to ask for advice. Whatever the situation you are trying to deal with, someone else has been through it before you. Your family and your friends are a great source of advice and information, as they may have developed a particular parenting skill that you haven’t needed to find yet.

Books and the internet are also a great source of information. A quick look at online booksellers or internet sites shows a massive amount of advice available. It is a good idea to double check parenting skill advice you find on the internet though as it obviously isn’t checked or regulated.

Thirdly, your doctor, health visitor, midwife and nurses are available to help you. If you are seriously worried about a health or behavioural problem with your child they are the best people to ask. There are lots of facilities available to help, such as child psychologists, educational psychologists, and in some cases of behavioural problems medications can even be prescribed to help control the symptoms. Do not be worried about wasting the health professionals’ time – you aren’t wasting their time at all, and they are happy to help. Parenting skill isn’t something you have to learn on your own.

Another way to get help with your parenting skill is to go to classes. Many classes and programs are available, either dealing with specific issues or general skills. Your local surgery or social services should be able to provide you with details of these. If you are having serious problems then social services will also be able to give you help. Asking social services doesn’t mean they are going to take your children from you so please don’t be afraid of asking them for help when you need it.

Whatever issues you have with parenting skill, whether you simply need reassurance, or whether you need serious help, you are not on your own. Millions have had similar problems before you and millions will have the same issues in the future. By using the resources you have available to you, you will give your children the benefit of the best information and parenting skill possible.

Some people believe that parenting skill is born along with a child – if only that were true! The thought that everything that happens to a baby or child will create the adults they become is daunting, and parents often don’t realise the extent of parenting skill they are going to require.

So what are the skills that parents need? Well, the most obvious skill is to know about the physical needs of your child. Most people get this right, but there are others with no parenting skill at all whose children become malnourished or sick from poor hygiene. If you need information on this there are plenty of organizations, books and websites that can help you.

Secondly, there is the parenting skill of providing the right amount of discipline for your child. Experts are divided on level and degree of discipline – but the key is consistency and agreement between parents. It is also important not to punish your child physically, and to try and make the punishment appropriate to the offence. For example if your child won’t stop playing his video game to do his chores, removal of the game would be a fair punishment and will teach him the relationship between actions and consequences. Setting clear boundaries for your child and making sure they understand what will happen if they step outside those boundaries is a vital parenting skill.

Thirdly, there is the skill of creating a morally good, complete human being. This is the hardest parenting skill of all because there are less hard facts, less evidence and less right and wrong answers. There are things that the experts agree on, however:

Showing your child love, approval and respect can give them the basis to do the same. Show interest in your child, listen to them, talk to them, and encourage them to share any problems with you. By not listening to a child you are telling them that it is OK to think only of themselves and not care about others. Give them behaviour to model. Children copy adults, by showing a good example to your children you are helping them. Be aware of what your children are doing. By letting them watch adult movies or play adult games you are saying that those things are OK. Let their activities be age appropriate. Spend time as a family. Whatever the make-up of your family, spend some time together, children who spend more time with siblings and parent(s) generally become more family minded themselves. It doesn’t have to be a big chore, family time once or twice a week where everyone does something together is a great start.

All parenting skills are important, and whatever you do with your children, the main things to ask yourself is, “Would I have wanted that to happen to me? Would it have done me good?” The important thing about parenting skill is that if you think you need help; ask for it. There are many organizations around that are set up purely for that purpose. If you are not happy asking for help then there are books and websites that can give you fantastic advice.